


Confession

by gulpereel



Category: Fate/Zero, Fate/stay night & Related Fandoms
Genre: Alternate Universe, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Cheating, M/M, Minor Character Death, Prostitution, Religious Content, Religious Imagery & Symbolism, Sexual Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-03
Updated: 2016-05-03
Packaged: 2018-06-06 02:47:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6734839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gulpereel/pseuds/gulpereel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU where Kotomine is still a priest but just a regular priest trying to live his life. Boundaries start to blur a little as university student Gilgamesh starts dropping in every Friday.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Confession

**Author's Note:**

> This is weird and I'm sorry? Written really early morning while listening to WAVE's Kyrie Eleison. Not beta read and full of sin.  
> I'm sorry about the lack of update to Facade but I've been sick and also busy with dks3 but it'll be updated I swear.  
> Please talk to me about Kotogil on twitter or something @gulpereelcos.

"A man choked me last night."  
  
Kotomine Kirei knew that voice and sat up a little straighter in the confessional booth. He silently allowed for the penitent in his care to continue his confession.  
  
"He didn't even ask first, people these days are getting bolder, wouldn't you agree, Father?" The other man questioned but seem to know he wasn't going to get an answer. "After he came, I choked him until he passed out but honestly, he had only himself to blame. I didn't  check before leaving to see if he was alive, so perhaps that's my sin today." The last sentence is ended with a small chuckle.  
  
"That's not exactly an amusing joke, Gilgamesh," Kotomine replies back, if only because he knows he should, that it was his duty to take this stance.  
  
"Come now, I bet if there wasn't this piece of wood in the way I'd get to see your rare smile," Gilgamesh replies back, his voice a sultry murmur that feels too intimate in the enclosed space. Outside the church is silent, the sun setting casting harsh shadows within the chapel and within the confessional.  
  
"If you're feeling guilty about your deeds, you should only need to ask forgiveness," Kirei begins, changing the topic at hand. "Sodomy, prostitution and violence of this nature is indeed sinful but within the benevolence of god, can be absolved," and Kirei wonders how many times he's said the exact same sentences to the man on the other side of the latticed window. He knows he's said similar things to all his penitents at the congress but never had to use 'sodomy' and 'violence' as much with anyone else.  
  
"I didn't even say anything about prostitution," Gilgamesh replies but Kirei can imagine the amusement on the others face.  
  
"Am I wrong?"  
  
"No, just happy you remember last weeks confession," and Kirei for a moment feels like he's been played but he knows the other man isn't lying. He sounds genuinely happy that his sins are being remembered, are sticking within Kirei's memories.  
  
"Do you plan to repent? If you have no plans to truly repent for your actions, coming to this confessional has no real purpose," and Kirei tries to sound vaguely annoyed and irritated with the other mans antics.  
  
"Oh, yes, I plan to repent, I'm kneeling right now even," Kotomine knows it to be true from how close Gilgamesh's voice sounds through the lattice. "Let's get this absolving over and done with. I could die any minute, it'd be unfortunate to end up in hell, I even brought money from last night to make a donation with."  
  
Kotomine chooses to ignore what's being inferred and continues on his usual speech of absolving sin, of gods forgiveness, of the horrors of hell and mortal sins. Gilgamesh on the other side is silent and respectful but Kirei can imagine the look of silent amusement at the fact they were still playing these roles, can imagine his eyes rolling at certain lines.  
  
Gilgamesh finishes with an 'amen' and Kotomine wonders how he can make the word sound so different, like it meant something new entirely.  
  
Afterwards, they leave their respective booths and Gilgamesh is standing right in front of him. He's in his regular choice of black jeans, a black jacket is held in his hand along with a branded back pack. What catches Kotomine off is the buttoned up shirt that had been fastened up to his neck was now barely clinging to his frame, most of his chest and neck now exposed. At some point, Gilgamesh must've unbuttoned it in the confessional and Kotomine quickly figures out why.  
  
Gilgamesh just grins ever so slightly as he feels Kirei's eyes on the bruises around his neck.  
  
\---  
  
There's bits and pieces Kotomine has pieced together about Gilgamesh.  
  
For starters, the man would always visit on a Friday evening. He'd been visiting for a few weeks now, at least a month, but so far it'd only been on Fridays, sometimes when the sun was setting or when it was set. It had started out innocently enough, he'd first seen Gilgamesh among others in the evening sermon, had noted that it was a new, fresh face. His father was always happy to have new, younger members to the church. After the sermon, Gilgamesh had sat waiting in the pews until most people had left, until it was just him, Kotomine and a couple of stray nattering ladies in a corner.  
  
Kotomine approached him first. Gilgamesh had merely said that he'd sinned and needed to confess right away.  
  
The most Gilgamesh had talked  about himself had actually been the first time he allowed the man into the booth. He talked vaguely about his life, that he was a university student from a nearby campus, that his family was well off to send him abroad but he just loved Fuyuki so much. He talked about his shared apartment, his room mates by the name of Emiya and Cu, and frankly it was a little boring. Kotomine couldn't care for a life story, he'd wondered if his initial thought of this man being interesting was wrong, that he was all looks and no substance.  
  
That was until Gilgamesh got to his first confession. He'd convinced Cu to fuck him on Emiya's bed, fully aware that Emiya and Cu were together. Gilgamesh spared no detail as he described what they had done, how he'd ridden his room mate that he'd tied up to the head board to the moment of climax before stopping, letting him cool off before continuing again. He was dragging it out as long as possible, he wanted Emiya to catch them in the act.  
  
He confessed that he came when he saw the look of betrayal on Emiya's face and nearly got erect again when Emiya punched him.  
  
Kotomine absolved his sins but he knows he's picturing it all in his head and at that point he realizes that god must be sending a challenge to test him.  
  
The second visit, the weather had been a little hotter, Gilgamesh had seemingly dressed with the humidity in mind. His shirt was a thin fabric, cut low on his chest, his black jeans were tight with a subtle snake skin design and Kotomine couldn't help but think it was fitting.  
  
As Gilgamesh entered the booth, Kotomine realized he was actually looking forward to what story the other man was about to impart and briefly he thinks that he's maybe already failed gods test. He listens in closely to Gilgamesh's voice as he starts off with the script that he's clearly looked up, that it's been a week since his last confession and seeking the fathers blessing. The words drip in subtle mockery, that Gilgamesh was finding the mere act of these words coming out of his mouth to be humourous and Kotomine can't help but find it inciting.  
  
The second confession is again to do with his room mates, that he'd antagonized Emiya to the point of being violently thrown down and fucked. He mentions that he reckons Emiya thought of himself a rapist perhaps afterwards, at least that's what Gilgamesh assumed by the look of shock Emiya had on his face after surveying what he'd done. He wanted to take a picture of that look, commit it to memory forever, that it turned him on so much he wondered what would top it. He played weak and helpless on purpose afterwards, letting Emiya be overcome with guilt for his actions and his betrayal of Cu. It was quite Shakespearean, he added with a chuckle, that he liked a bit of drama in his life to keep it more interesting.  
  
Kotomine absolved his sins but added a small lecture about the path he was following, that it's a path of degeneracy, that he would need to change his ways.  
  
Gilgamesh had merely laughed, the sound echoing between them in the silent church and enclosed booths. He left with his own parting words that Kotomine had thought about for the entire week afterwards: "If I changed my ways, wouldn't that be boring for both of us?"  
  
 At the third confession, Kotomine wonders if Gilgamesh was going out of his way to sin as an excuse to visit.  
  
Of course, he could tell Gilgamesh that he was welcome within the church and sermons without needing confessional but the idea of Gilgamesh willingly praising god was already quite laughable. The thought of his father leading a sermon with Gilgamesh in the crowd makes him involuntarily smile and he's thankful for the wood in-between them.  
  
In his third visit, Gilgamesh is more talkative than usual, perhaps in a good mood. He asks Kotomine questions that Kirei makes attempts to avoid answering or gives vague answers back, not keen on creating a two-way bond between them. He was content to be an observer, not someone involved with this probable train wreck in the making and he wonders when he started to get such a strong opinion on a new sheep to the flock. Kirei knew his father would scold him for such a thing, that impartiality was key, that he couldn't be thinking of Gilgamesh as an amusing slut that he was and how he reveled in it.  
Well, Kotomine figured that's what he wanted to seem like. Kirei knew there was more to it but he was giving Gilgamesh a few more chances before deciding whether this man was truly interesting or just someone with some fetishes.  
  
The confession that followed the questions didn't involve his room mates this time and Kirei wondered if they had left him. This time, Gilgamesh talks about visiting a new bar, that it was late in the evening when someone approached him, asked him if he was available. With a laugh, Gilgamesh recalls the moment he realized he was being asked if he was a whore, that someone was going to pay to have sex with him and the idea was too interesting to pass. It's not like he needed money, he reminds Kirei, that he's not been cut off due to successful grades and an upstanding record. He merely agreed because he wanted to, he wanted to see what it'd be like to blow a stranger in the ally way next to the bar for a monetary value. What would it be like to experience what some people consider rock bottom? Gilgamesh describes getting face fucked in visceral detail and Kotomine listens in silence, at some point his eyes even close to create the image in his mind.  
  
Gilgamesh pauses in his descriptions to ask if Kotomine is aroused at all but continues even though Kirei doesn't reply.  
  
He talks about the stranger coming on his face, throwing cash down at him before leaving into the night, telling him he should probably watch his teeth better for future reference. He recalls feeling for a second, used, and how much of a foreign feeling it was and maybe he could understand some peoples anger towards his own actions. Kirei after that small tidbit of confession decides to chime up and congratulate him on the self reflection to which Gilgamesh just laughs at and ignores in favour of talking about what he did afterwards. He was hard from the treatment he realized, that he'd suspected a masochist side to him for a while but had no real evidence.  
  
He jerked off on the floor of the ally and wiped himself clean with the notes he'd been given.  
  
He left them there for anyone desperate enough to pick up semen covered money and again he laughed when he remarked that someone probably pocketed it regardless.  
  
Kirei couldn't help but quip that was indeed human nature but felt like he'd made a mistake responding rather than ignoring. Gilgamesh's eyes were vaguely visible through the lattice and Kotomine couldn't help but meet the blood red gaze of his penitent. A brief thought occurs to him that if he can see Gilgamesh's features, has Gilgamesh been watching him in return?  
  
"You talk about human nature like you consider yourself not human," Gilgamesh had stated but didn't expand upon.  
  
He didn't need to.  
  
\---  
  
It's the fifth Friday and Kotomine is lighting some candles up in the chapel, the sun setting and bathing the space in a warm, orange glow. The weather was changing to become warmer, the days growing longer yet he stuck with his clerical clothing, only seeing it fit to change to shorter sleeve shirts underneath.  
  
He wonders what Gilgamesh would wear for this weather, wonders what kind of outfit he was going to see the other man in tonight. His style was flashy but it didn't seemed forced, like it came naturally to wear luxurious yet shameless styles. Some pieces seemed almost feminine in nature but beyond the man's skinny build and non-traditionally handsome face, it's not really a word he'd use to describe him. There was clearly a strong build hiding under the layers of leopard print and snake skin, his voice was a nice tone that commanded attention.  
  
If Kotomine could be so bold, he'd even say Gilgamesh reminded him of old depictions of angels within art - pictures he'd seen as a child with his father of these beautiful, other worldly creatures casting down judgement with their swords. He hadn't cared for the serene depictions of heaven or the sugar coated visual stories of parables, rather he couldn't help but feel a flicker of response to the more visceral pieces. The ones that his father had tried to distract him from, had told him that perhaps they were too adult for him.  
  
Growing up within his fathers foot steps had left him cut off from modern media, had left him with books and the bible. Seeing images of divine punishment, of spears piercing the flesh of Christ and punishments within hell were a completely different experience to imagining it in his mind and his father was surprised yet happy at his sudden interest in the arts.  
  
Kotomine remembers at the age of 14 there was an baroque exhibit on martyrs that he was allowed to visit by himself on the recommendation of his father. He remembers looking at the depiction of Saint Sebastian and feeling something he'd never felt before as his eyes traced over the arrows sticking into the nude flesh. These woman and men sacrificing themselves for their beliefs should've been the lesson he walked away with but all he could think about how vivid some tortures had been drawn, how it would compare to seeing it in real life. His father commented that he'd never seen Kotomine so interested in something before, that he was glad Kotomine was enjoying important works of religion in a new way.  
  
Kirei never brings up how he masturbated for the first time with the painting of Saint Sebastian in mind and he probably never will.  
  
As he stands by the alter, he realizes the time has become quite late and Gilgamesh still hasn't arrived. For a few moments, he feels a sense of disappointment and he wonders when he started to look forward to the other mans visits.  
  
Looking at this as a priest, he should be disappointed that perhaps Gilgamesh was giving up his journey to be absolved of sin, of his new religious adventures. That's what he'd tell anyone who asked, that he was seeing Gilgamesh as a new ward to lead towards a more righteous path.  
  
Realistically, he knew he just wanted to hear Gilgamesh describe his latest dive into mortal sin in clear, sensual detail through the private space of the confession booth. He wanted to close his eyes and imagine the situations Gilgamesh was putting himself through, perhaps his earlier thoughts about martyrs were not completely irrelevant.  
  
What point was Gilgamesh trying to prove with all of this? That was still a question that was haunting him, that he had been wanting to ask for a while now. Was it just to get a reaction from him? Was it just boredom that was driving him to these acts? To himself also, he had questions. Why was he allowing this to continue? Why were his thoughts taken up by this man so intensely?  
  
He'd never felt a similar interest even while his wife had still been alive.  
  
When it became late enough, he returned to his quarters and poured himself a glass of wine of which the colour reminded him of red eyes.  
  
\---  
  
The next time Gilgamesh visited it was a Sunday evening.  
  
Kotomine wonders if this is Gilgamesh trying to keep him on his toes or just had become busy with something. What was unusual is the man was in a rather somber outfit, black jeans with a black tshirt, a black cardigan hung loosely around his frame, a black strap looking necklace with gold details stood out against the material hanging low on his chest. In his hands he held a large bouquet filled with reds, whites and yellows, a collection that must've cost a hefty sum, arranged beautifully in emerald green paper and ribbons.  
  
Kotomine briefly wondered if it was for him and nearly broke out into a chuckle at the idea. He approached the man as like before and couldn't help but comment about the change in schedule.  
Gilgamesh looked up from where he sat in the pew and Kotomine had a vague sense of deja vu.  
  
"I've been to this church before, you've met me, it was say about, 3 years ago? You maybe weren't even a proper priest then but you were here," Gilgamesh starts to speak and he breaks the gaze to look down towards the flowers in his hands. "The funeral was on this day."  
  
"We have many funerals pass through this church, Gilgamesh," he replies as his excuse that's not exactly a lie.  
  
"It doesn't matter if you don't remember, I remember fully well. You were watching it happen," Gilgamesh continues and he leans back into the pew, neck tipping backwards to stare up at the ceiling. "They had to drag me off the coffin, I was in quite the state, you wouldn't think I was the same person honestly. Your father offered the back rooms for me to sit down in, before I made an even bigger embarrassment to myself."  
  
Kotomine doesn't know what else to do but stand next to the sat down Gilgamesh. His eyes follow the elegant lines of his exposed neck and he notices that the bruises from last time are barely there anymore and it's a pity.  
  
"You followed me in there," and Kotomine meets the gaze the other man is now directing at him rather than at the architecture above. The usual light of amusement is no longer within the red eyes and Kirei can't help but shiver, transfixed as if he was meeting the eyes of a cobra, silent in response. "You asked me how I was feeling, you wanted me to describe my emotions to you. At first I was angry, that you were making a fool of me but I realized you were serious, so I told you."  
  
"It was more like a rant," Kotomine chimes in almost automatically and he understands where the deja vu is coming from. Gilgamesh doesn't respond beyond the raise of an eyebrow.  
  
"I had asked you why you had wanted me to tell you these things, do you remember what you said?"  
  
Kotomine knows what he said but he shakes his head almost automatically. At that, Gilgamesh stands up from the pew and leaves the bouquet in his wake, a hand coming to grab at the cross around Kotomine's neck, face moving in close.  
  
"You said your wife had just died and you wanted to know how you should feel, you wanted to know how people expected you to react. I told you that was fucked up and I asked you why."  
  
"... Your display of suffering had been the finest I had seen," Kotomine confesses in an almost whisper, his own hand moving to cover the one holding his cross. He notices how warm the others hand is against the cold gold. "Then, you slapped me."  
  
"Then I slapped you and left, yes. It stuck with me however, and the next few months of my life were hellish to say the least. In fact, I've been feeling numb for a long time now but I remembered you, I wondered if you were still here."  
  
"Pardon my ignorance but I don't see how this is going to connect with your recent habit of confessions, Gilgamesh," Kotomine interrupts and tries to coax the hand off his cross. A part of him thinks about how hilarious the idea of Gilgamesh's hands touching a religious symbol is, that the hands he knows enjoyed violence and fornication were defiling it.  
  
"Well, I suppose to start with I wanted an excuse to see you privately," replies Gilgamesh as he moves his face back a little, the serious gaze is starting to ease off  with a bit of amusement coming back. "Then, I noticed how handsome you had become and noticed how much you enjoyed my first confession that I just had to come back."  
  
"What makes you think I enjoyed such a thing?"  
  
"Please, father, the lattice doesn't hide that much. The faces you made while imagining some of it was good enough for the entire week to jerk off to."  
  
Instead of moving in closer like Kotomine assumed Gilgamesh planned to do, the other man moved back to grab the bouquet of flowers. He held them tightly before looking towards the alter instead of the priest before continuing.  
  
"I asked myself a few questions recently. Why do I feel much more alive recently? Why am I debasing myself and actively seeking these situations just to tell you?" He pauses a moment, as if gathering his own thoughts together. "You're just a sick pervert of a priest who gets off on suffering, why waste my time with such a person? I can have anyone in this entire city easily enough, you're nothing like Enkidu."  
  
He stops as if saying the name that passed his lips had caused him physical pain. "Why did your words stick with me so much on a day of such mourning for me?"  
  
"Has seeking God answered your questions?" Gilgamesh responds to Kotomine's question with a hard laugh. He eventually calms down but there's a few tears in his eyes from how hard he laughed, the flowers squeezed ever so slightly in his grasp from doubling over a little. Kirei tries to keep a blank face but he can't help but chuckle as well, the sounds from the other infectious and honestly, his line had been true comedy.  
  
"You get it, don't you? I love your attention, Kotomine Kirei."  
  
\---  
  
It is the 26th visit from Gilgamesh, late on a Friday evening. The weather is humid in mid June.  
  
They ended up not in the confessional but in Kotomine's private quarters, Gilgamesh spread out on the sofa with a glass of wine loosely held within his grasp. He was wearing a thin white v-neck that displays his chest effortlessly, sometimes even giving a peak of his nipples if he sits in certain ways. On his legs are tight, beige snake skin trousers and as much as it's almost ridiculous, it's seductive, the outline of his thighs and ass clearly visible and being advertised.  
  
Briefly, Kotomine wonders if the man is even wearing underwear from the lack of lines underneath.  
  
Gilgamesh is talking about his room mates getting back together, that they had tried to stage an intervention from the fact he wasn't 'being himself.' Gilgamesh laughs at that, says he told them he'd never felt more like himself in years. He adds that he has Kotomine to thank, that Kirei deserved an award for guiding him like the talented priest he was and Kirei can't help but raise an eyebrow at that from where he's sitting on an opposite arm chair.  
  
The wine glass in his hand is taken away and placed on the coffee table. The next thing Kirei knows he's got a lap full of Gilgamesh and Gilgamesh's hands are forcefully guiding his fingertips to the younger mans face. Gilgamesh holds them there underneath his own softer hands and Kirei has to look up to meet the others gaze. The soft lighting in the room creates a warm halo behind the blonde hair but puts his features in shadow.    
  
"Bless me, father, for I have sinned. It has been a week since my last confession..."


End file.
